Since I am a therapist, I’ve heard of the term “spirited child” more times than I can count. I’ve also heard the term from friends who believe this describes their child to a tee. Because I was curious, I checked the book Raising Your Spirited Child* out from the local library.

I’m only 1/4 of the way through the book and I already had strong feelings on the topic. According to the book, the “spirited child” is one who is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic than others. In essence, they’re the ones that drain your energy easily, are on the go like the Energizer bunny, and are sensitive to everything around them. I truly do believe that there are kids who do fit this description, but it got me thinking: wouldn’t MOST preschoolers be described by these adjectives? Let’s take a look in more detail at some of these characteristics.

Intensity
The questions asked to determine the level of your child’s sensitivity have to do with how easily they react to situations, if they have strong reactions or are easily frustrated, and if their emotions are up and down. Find me a mom who has a preschooler who wouldn’t say her child could be described like this. The ages of 3 and 4 are tumultuous times for kids and parents because the little ones are trying to learn how the world works and how they fit into it. It’s natural for them to become more frustrated, feel unable to control their emotions, or have strong reactions. They’re practicing and trying to find their balance. So how is this different from a “spirited” preschooler?

Sensitivity
In this section, the book ponders how sensitive your child is by inquiring about their sleep routines (preferences for quiet/noise), how textiles, sounds, and tastes bother them, and whether or not they are in tune with your emotions. Again, I refer to the picture of your preschooler; the one that includes lots of emotions and preferences. My 3 year old is currently a bit of a picky eater even though he wasn’t always. He is also one who is very aware of my feelings; if I am sad, he empathizes and if I am mad, he picks up on it and inquires. Does that make him a “sensitive child” based on the definition? Absolutely not! Just as I stated earlier, he’s a 3 year old asserting his independence, testing limits and boundaries, and learning how to deal with his and others’ emotions. This seems like a normal right of passage at this age.

Perceptiveness & Adaptability
Does your child notice the smallest details or things others wouldn’t even notice? Can he remember and complete multiple directions easily? Is he good with transitioning between one activity and other? Is he flexible when it comes to changes or surprises? Again, I can only speak about my own 3 year old, but it’s pretty hit or miss for all of the above. Totally depends on his mood, how much sleep he’s had, and how mom and dad are handling the situation. Yes, he notices details we might otherwise have overlooked, but as a preschooler who is curious about everything, isn’t that just a sign that they are learning? My son can follow directions well…if he chooses to. So if I need to ask him multiple times to do something, does that mean he’s “spirited?” And unfortunately, just like me, he’s not so good with change. Sure, he can handle some transitions very well, and has surprised us with things like changing into a big boy bed and potty-training easily. But with others, like going to school or starting a new class, he’s timid even though he has an outgoing personality. Should I jump to the conclusion that because of these traits, he is “spirited?” Nope.

Final Thoughts
I am not disputing the term “spirited child.” I’ve met some who would fit these descriptions. I am also not knocking the author or this book as I am sure it has helped many parents breathe a sigh of relief when they realize there are ways to cope with and encourage kids who are categorized as “spirited.” In fact, I think the book could be helpful in leading parents to possible reasons as to why their child can fit into this category as sometimes diagnoses like ADHD or sensory integration issues can be hallmarked by some of these characteristics.

What I am saying however is that parents shouldn’t be so quick to label their kids – with ANY labels, even if they aren’t negative ones. This is especially true for preschoolers and little ones who are still figuring life out. Just because you read something and think, “Yes! My kid does/acts like that!” you need to look at the bigger picture. Look at your role in how your child acts versus trying to find a book or a solution to change him. A lot of preschooler characteristics are temporary and over the next year or so, will probably be changing. Also, our ability as parents to encourage positive characteristics in our kids is limitless, which is why I say we need to know our part and look at the bigger picture, noting if there are things going on your child’s life that can evoke these characteristics more.

What Are Your Thoughts on This Topic?
Do you have a child you think fits the description of a “spirited child?” What are your thoughts on using this term for younger kids who are still developing their personalities? Not having a “spirited child” myself, I wonder if this book has been helpful to other versus just created more labels.

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